WINDOWS SUPPORT [a joke]

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”

Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”

Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”

Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”

Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”

E-MAIL MISTAKES.. [A joke]

It’s wise to remember how easily email — this wonderful technology — can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

COMPUTER VIRUSES! [A joke]

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:

Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3gb.

AT&T VIRUS:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:

Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back…

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:

Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:

Prints “oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort”.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:

It starts by boldly stating “Read my docs…No new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS:

Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT

L.A.P.D. VIRUS:

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.